The Secret of the Absolute Dancer

I haven't written a lot on here recently, and I would apologize but it's been for a good reason.  I had emergency surgery and the recovery has been incredibly painful.  I'm used to surgery and physical pain, so that's not why I haven't written nor would I ever use it as an excuse to not write.  But, with this surgery being of the "we're operating as soon as we can get you in a gown and the OR open" variety, it's been a scary experience.  I'm not used to being scared about health related experiences.  Sure, the long-term illness and the certainties that come with a lot of the things my body deals with definitely terrifying, but they're also easy to block from my mind unless someone asks me about them.  The reason and recovery for this surgery, though, has been really hard on my body and my mind.  It's not something I can push out of my mind and certainly not easy to 'bounce back from' so it's been difficult to hide from.

Whenever I have pain, physical, emotional, or otherwise, I get through it by pretending it doesn't matter because it doesn't come close to what someone else is going though somewhere.  Why should I give mine attention when it's nothing in comparison?   My husband (still not used to calling D my 'husband!')said something the other day that made me realize that it was okay to admit to feeling pain, and not just admitting it to other people but admitting it to myself (that's the toughest).  He probably doesn't even remember saying it, but that's alright - he's an amazing person who wouldn't take credit for it anyway (though he should).  He said that pain isn't and shouldn't be about comparison, because pain is pain.  I know that to anyone who is reading this, you might think "well, that's not much of a pep talk."  But if you knew you well, then you would know that is was.  If pain and anything other physical or emotional feeling were supposed to be a comparison, then I wouldn't/shouldn't let myself feel happiness, loneliness, heartbreak, joy, pain, etc.  I would be a shell.  I wouldn't let anything impact me for fear of feeling something, and if nothing impacted me, what would be the point of living?  Is that not one of the reasons for living - to impact and be impacted? 

So, I'm going to let myself FEEL.  I'm still not ready to let my friends know in moments of great pain or great joy because I've had bad experiences with some people not reacting well to those moments, so I'm going to reserve them for myself for now.  I need to feel and feel honestly and truthfully without someone telling me that it's silly or selfish or generally making me feel bad because I'm joyful in an area of life in which he or she is not. 

One of the reasons I loved being able to dance for all those years was because I didn't have to carry around a burden of emotion - I could let it out with movement and I felt relief from that.  I guess not being able to have that release and relief for the past few years has created a pretty big amount of bottled up amount of physical and emotional pain.  I wasn't a dancer who realized that she was releasing these burdens by dance while still dancing...I was one of the 'late to the party' former dancers; I didn't know the feelings I was releasing until I was unable to use that outlet anymore. 

Here's a great quote from the Martha Graham days of dance, and about the particular form of art's relationship with 'truth:'

I am certain that movement never lies.  The inner quality of the dancer is inherent in all that he does.  I am not saying that a good person makes a good dancer or that a bad person makes a bad dancer.  The motivation, the cause of the movement, establishes a center of gravity.  This center of gravity induces the co-ordination that is body-spirit, and this Spirit of body is the state of innocence that is the secret of the absolute dancer.                      - from Dance Anecdotes: Stories from the Worlds of Ballet, Broadway, the Ballroom, and Modern Dance by Mindy Aloff

My 'movement that never lied' isn't an option for me anymore, so I'm trying to find a new one, even through writing in this blog.  I'm still trying to take that first step to make me able to admit to myself that: 'Today I'm in pain, and that's alright to admit aloud.  I may be physically weak, but it doesn't make me a weak person.'

I can't say that it feels good yet, but I think it may make me feel a bit lighter.

   

And you wonder why dancers always look so light on their feet... :)

xoxo

"It's time to take a risk, sweetheart"

Always Plan Your Life In Pencil - Never Pen

Plans change.  And though the plans that change sometimes involve the smallest of details, I've found it best to just accept that I should always use a pencil while planning.  The last several weeks have brought on a significant amount of decision-making and changing of plans, most having to do with our wedding in December, but it's all worked out better than I imagined.

My original Wedding Inspiration Board...Things have definitely changed!

For instance, I've been looking for a wedding dress over the past few months.  I knew what 'look' I wanted, I was up for doing something daring with the cut and especially the color and I had my photos of my favorite dresses cut out and pasted into my personal 'lookbook.'  However, most of the dresses were nowhere to be found and those that were ended up looking not quite as nice as I'd hoped.  By the time I got to my third dress boutique, I was exhausted and not expecting to find anything I hadn't already seen.  I was almost ready to give up and just order the Jenny Packham gown in my size straight from the designer, using about 1/3 of our wedding budget to do so, just to be able to end the process.

Five star rating in Rogers for this shoppe!

All I can say is THANK GOD for our wedding planner Heather at Inspired Grace Weddings who knows us as a couple (David and me) inside and out, has memorized our thoughts and expectations for the tone of the wedding, which would include the tone of the dress, and was able to bring excitement to the experience that day so I could really enjoy being with my mom and my aunt.  My consultant at She Said Yes
Bridal was also amazing; she was a sweet and very intuitive girl who really loved her work and made sure to pull dresses with Heather that incorporated elements in the dresses that I highlighted heavily in my book. Admittedly, I didn't end up buying any of the dresses I had pasted into my 'lookbook.'  However, I WAS able to buy all of the beautiful attire that I'll be saying my vows in and also have a first dance my new husband and celebrate all night long with my best friends. 

To check out more updates on our wedding (sorry, no sneak peeks at white wear), fun photos of the wedding party, beautiful images and info about the unique venue and historic accommodations, and little humor from the groom, go to www.InventingTheEngles.com

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I've been having to learn it over and over recently.  It's going to continue be a challenge for me to not just accept where I am but try to grow and flourish while I'm here.

-A