The Secret of the Absolute Dancer

I haven't written a lot on here recently, and I would apologize but it's been for a good reason.  I had emergency surgery and the recovery has been incredibly painful.  I'm used to surgery and physical pain, so that's not why I haven't written nor would I ever use it as an excuse to not write.  But, with this surgery being of the "we're operating as soon as we can get you in a gown and the OR open" variety, it's been a scary experience.  I'm not used to being scared about health related experiences.  Sure, the long-term illness and the certainties that come with a lot of the things my body deals with definitely terrifying, but they're also easy to block from my mind unless someone asks me about them.  The reason and recovery for this surgery, though, has been really hard on my body and my mind.  It's not something I can push out of my mind and certainly not easy to 'bounce back from' so it's been difficult to hide from.

Whenever I have pain, physical, emotional, or otherwise, I get through it by pretending it doesn't matter because it doesn't come close to what someone else is going though somewhere.  Why should I give mine attention when it's nothing in comparison?   My husband (still not used to calling D my 'husband!')said something the other day that made me realize that it was okay to admit to feeling pain, and not just admitting it to other people but admitting it to myself (that's the toughest).  He probably doesn't even remember saying it, but that's alright - he's an amazing person who wouldn't take credit for it anyway (though he should).  He said that pain isn't and shouldn't be about comparison, because pain is pain.  I know that to anyone who is reading this, you might think "well, that's not much of a pep talk."  But if you knew you well, then you would know that is was.  If pain and anything other physical or emotional feeling were supposed to be a comparison, then I wouldn't/shouldn't let myself feel happiness, loneliness, heartbreak, joy, pain, etc.  I would be a shell.  I wouldn't let anything impact me for fear of feeling something, and if nothing impacted me, what would be the point of living?  Is that not one of the reasons for living - to impact and be impacted? 

So, I'm going to let myself FEEL.  I'm still not ready to let my friends know in moments of great pain or great joy because I've had bad experiences with some people not reacting well to those moments, so I'm going to reserve them for myself for now.  I need to feel and feel honestly and truthfully without someone telling me that it's silly or selfish or generally making me feel bad because I'm joyful in an area of life in which he or she is not. 

One of the reasons I loved being able to dance for all those years was because I didn't have to carry around a burden of emotion - I could let it out with movement and I felt relief from that.  I guess not being able to have that release and relief for the past few years has created a pretty big amount of bottled up amount of physical and emotional pain.  I wasn't a dancer who realized that she was releasing these burdens by dance while still dancing...I was one of the 'late to the party' former dancers; I didn't know the feelings I was releasing until I was unable to use that outlet anymore. 

Here's a great quote from the Martha Graham days of dance, and about the particular form of art's relationship with 'truth:'

I am certain that movement never lies.  The inner quality of the dancer is inherent in all that he does.  I am not saying that a good person makes a good dancer or that a bad person makes a bad dancer.  The motivation, the cause of the movement, establishes a center of gravity.  This center of gravity induces the co-ordination that is body-spirit, and this Spirit of body is the state of innocence that is the secret of the absolute dancer.                      - from Dance Anecdotes: Stories from the Worlds of Ballet, Broadway, the Ballroom, and Modern Dance by Mindy Aloff

My 'movement that never lied' isn't an option for me anymore, so I'm trying to find a new one, even through writing in this blog.  I'm still trying to take that first step to make me able to admit to myself that: 'Today I'm in pain, and that's alright to admit aloud.  I may be physically weak, but it doesn't make me a weak person.'

I can't say that it feels good yet, but I think it may make me feel a bit lighter.

   

And you wonder why dancers always look so light on their feet... :)

xoxo

Pulling Weeds

 "You have made a place in my heart where I thought there was no room for anything else. You have made flowers grow where I cultivated dust and stone."

 - Robert Jordan, The Wheel of Time

If this blog is a garden, it is definitely be full of weeds by now.  I haven't been kind to it, and to be completely honest...I've forgotten about it on numerous occasions and for long periods of time.  I know there aren't hundreds of people reading this; I mean seriously - five people checking out this site would be a good day.  But, being read by others is not really my intended outcome or achievement here, and I know that sounds ironic seeing as this is a public space and not an ongoing private word doc.

I do 'journal' on actual paper at home, and I fill it with mostly found objects, photos, quotes, etc. that inspire me in some way.  In fact, it looks a lot like this site in that it's mostly a record of what I'm feeling, loving, missing, wanting, and needing, shown through the images that I choose to post plus a written thought or paragraph from me.  Having a public space vs. my tangible notebook, however, keeps me accountable to the invisible few readers who happen to stumble across this site.

So, I'm going to try to spend more time in this garden, nurturing the inspirational blooms, the beautiful, the items and ideas which provoke thought and essentially, growth.  To that same end, I need to constantly be pulling the weeds, the empty spaces, the negative energy that can slowly take over if not tended to swiftly, and let it go.

Nurturing the growth and pulling the weeds -- maybe that's the purpose of this blog.  Constant care.  Consistent inspiration and ambition.  I can wander with purpose.  I can adventure while carrying 'home' with me, refuting the idea that 'peace' means I have to stay still.    

  


 Goodnight from this blogger/soon-to-be constant gardener.

xoxo

A

Art As A Vehicle For Change: "La vie est chère et les temps sont dure"

Could And Would It Ever Be Integrated Into An Early Childhood Educational Curriculum Praising A Political Or Social Outcome As Its Purpose?

This is by no means a new concept.  We accept art as social commentary even when that purpose is unintentional by the artist; we search for it, grab it and gladly reappropriate a work to serve our cause(s) as the viewer.

It still never ceases to amaze me how much awareness can be brought to an injustice through the work of an artist or team of artists.  I would even go so far to say that the belief in the ability to change or shed light on an unfortunate situation through using artistic talent and skill is the driving force behind more artists than any other force to create works.  Here's hoping that we can recognize that fact and use it in our education system to give students the chance to use art as something more than singular expression - it can be an acceptable form of communication of the need for change in an area to which they'd like to draw attention.

Check out this excerpt from EndingHunger.org:

EndingHunger team recently received a powerful music video from a team of Cameroonian musicians. The video starts with a couple’s quarrel about rising food prices. “How can I live on so little money?” the wife nags and her husband gets angry.{READ MORE AT THE LINK BELOW}

Ending Hunger | Rapping against high food prices

 "The producer and the cast of this video clip are all from Cameroon where political unrest spilled over into protests over food and fuel prices."  - EndingHunger.org

“La vie est chère et les temps sont dure.”

Oui. Read more on EndingHunger.org & follow the cause @EndingHunger on Twitter.

Change your thoughts

It's true, ya know.  Your world is not reality.  I'm not talking Matrix-y stuff here, I just mean that how you see the world is based on your thoughts of how things are, as opposed to how things ACTUALLY are.  Your thoughts play such a huge role in your life; so much so that they produce a world.  So if you're in a rut, things aren't going well, etc., yeah it stinks, but change something.  Change something you're thinking about negatively into a positive, and all of a sudden you've taken a huge step toward changing you world!

And it doesn't mean that something upsetting hasn't happened to you, or that you should deny a major life change or setback.  It just means that you can acknowledge it, think a little differently than you would normally think in this situation, and everything around you changes.  You can make that happen.  I've always wanted to change the world someday, just like everyone else wants to change it.  I'm taking baby steps, though...I'm just trying to change my world for now. :)

Ciao,
A

Change your thoughts by asebourn on Polyvore

Think happy...Be happy!  (great sign from Altar'd State)

A sneak peek into my next post.  If you're guessing it's about an obsession with blazers, then you're right!